A Week of Mindful Eating

I’ve been on my body journey for almost a year now. I have learned that approaching life with an exploratory mindset that dwells in the present moment gives me fresh perspective.

I used to say things like:

• “Starting tomorrow, I will …”
• “I will never again …”
• “I should have …”
• “I shouldn’t have …”
• “Once I reach this goal, I will be happy…”
• “I need to change …”

These phrases all dwell in the past or the future. These phrases all imply that I have done something wrong or there is something wrong with me that needs fixing. These phrases do not show respect for my qualities and abilities.

I have put myself into the present moment where truth and reality dwell by reframing and using these phrases instead:

• “I wonder …
• “Let me try this and see what happens…”
•  “What do I feel, hear, see, smell, taste right now?”
• “What do I notice…?”

The transformation is subtle, maybe not even visible at all to the outside world. But for me, the transformation is profound.

•  I used to wake up as late as possible, with dread and a headache. I now wake up refreshed and eager for the day.
• Three days a week, I wake up at 5:30AM to work out. Other days I walk or do yoga. My body feels good.
• My fear and worry about the past and future have been replaced by melting into the juicy moments of each day.
• My anxiety about trying new things has morphed into anticipation to give it a shot and see what happens.
• I meditate every day.
• I write more than I ever have before. 

My body journey has focused primarily on exploration of physical movement and mind work, such as meditation and affirmations. I have only taken a few baby steps into the dark foreboding terrain of eating.

I did a 21 Day Keto Challenge. Eliminating carbs felt great. My heartburn and indigestion were gone. I stopped taking Tums and Alka Seltzer. At first the meat and butter kept me satisfied. When they started being too much, I added more fish and avocados. It seemed like the perfect diet for me. But alas, as always, it didn’t stick.

I tried a mindful eating meditation course. It too seemed like just the right idea. My eating habits are pretty warped. In the morning, I eat breakfast in the car on the way to the train. At lunch, I eat at my desk while working on my computer. In the evening, my daughter and I usually watch Bob’s Burgers while we eat. On the weekends, I read while eating. I’ve tried to break out of these habits for years but always with phrases like, “I have to stop eating in this distracted way. It’s so bad. Starting tomorrow, I will never eat in front of a screen or page again!”

Two weeks ago, I joined a group of women and together we are working through Marianne Williamson’s A Course in Weight Loss: 21 Spiritual Lessons for Surrendering Your Weight Forever. These lessons are not about what to eat, how much to eat, or when to eat. These lessons focus on “the causal root of your weight-loss issues.”

As I read the first couple chapters, an idea came me—let me use my exploratory mindset to do some experimenting with mindful eating. No judgement, no end goal, just try something new and write about it. For one week, I ate each meal mindfully, without distraction. I noted where I was, the time, how long it took me to eat, what I ate, and then other thoughts I had while eating.

When I told my daughter I would not be watching Bob’s Burgers with her during dinner for a while and that instead I would be eating mindfully, she asked, “Won’t that be boring?” I wasn’t sure but I was eager to find out.

At first the newness of eating without distraction was nice, kind of dreamy. Then it was a little boring. Then it started being mundane. The biggest difference I noticed was the feeling right before starting to eat. When I knew I was going to eat mindlessly, I prepared meals that would take a long time to eat. I knew I would feel good and lost and comfortable while I was eating and reading, and I wanted that to last as long as possible. I made huge salads, big bowls of pasta or soup, large sandwiches, buckets of popcorn, bags of nuts—whatever would prolong the feeding time. In a twisted way, this felt like taking care of myself—giving myself lots of what I craved. Still no matter how long I stretched the eating time, I never felt satisfied. Because I wasn’t paying attention to what I was eating. And because in reality, it wasn’t food I was hungry for.

During the mindful eating week, I wasn’t getting that zoned-out lull I got when I ate mindlessly. So before eating, I felt calm and kind of even-keeled, not itchy with excitement and charged with neediness. Overall the mindful meals felt less like addiction and more like simply enjoying nourishment. Sometimes eating a big salad got boring. Sometimes food tasted especially good and brought up good memories. Sometimes I noticed food or drinks didn’t even taste good. At first it was odd to contemplate not eating something just because it didn’t taste good. But by the end of the week, I was leaving food on my plate, throwing food out, and even starting to make smaller portions. But even better, the more I paid attention to the food and made choices about whether it was good enough for me or not and whether I wanted to eat more or less, the more respected I felt.

I have been in a cycle of mindless eating—self-disrespect—more mindless eating—more self-disrespect for many years so it won’t be easy to vaporize that cycle. Habits (good or bad) are made up of thoughts and repetition. The thoughts may be warped causing you to repeat an action that is harmful. But the same is true in reverse—the thoughts may be enlightened causing you to repeat an action that is empowering. Switching from a harmful cycle to an empowered cycle requires not only changing your thoughts but also repeating a different action. I may have to write down when, where, how long, what I ate, and what I thought for every mindful meal for weeks or months in order to change this cycle. But it’s worth a try. I am worth a try!

Saturday October 12, 2019

4:29PM at home

7 minutes; 23 seconds

Progresso chicken and wild rice soup

Hibiscus and ginger juice

The juice was homemade by Marie Chantal, my Cameroonian friend who came to visit me from France and filled my fridge with delicious delectables like this.

8:00PM at home
Salmon
Green beans and mushrooms
Half a bottle of red wine
Banana cake



I didn’t time this meal, but I do consider it a mindful eating experience. I had a friend from middle school over for dinner. We have recently reunited after not seeing each other for many years. I mindlessly licked the bowl (a lot) while making the banana cake, which by the way, is the most delicious cake ever.

Sunday October 13, 2019

10:45AM at home

8 minutes; 38 seconds

Bagel with bacon, Swiss cheese, and 2 egg





Throughout the rest of the afternoon I mindlessly munched peanuts and pumpkin seeds in front of my laptop and then also two small pieces of banana cake.

6:00PM in a restaurant
Salad
Beyond Burger
Vodka martini

Out to dinner with family. This was also a mindful eating experience and the reason I know is that the martini was not good. I normally don’t notice if what I am consuming is good or not. With each sip, I thought about how it didn’t taste good and how I should ask for more olive juice or just not drink it. I did not ask for more olive juice and I did end up drinking all of it. But these thoughts were a glimmer of new awareness.

Monday October 14, 2019

8:10AM at home

3 minutes; 59 seconds

Cottage cheese and ketchup

      



I know it’s weird, but I love it! It’s one of my dad’s inspirations. He also taught me about Spanish peanuts in Pepsi (best when poured into a glass bottle of Pepsi), butterscotch pudding pie, and peanut butter and onion sandwiches. It’s often our mothers who carry the shame of extra weight and restrict themselves from food but in my family, it was my dad. He struggled with his eating, weight, and feelings of shame and control. I wish he and I would have talked about it more before he passed away.

2:00PM in my office

12 minutes; 12 seconds

Thai salad with avocado

Ooo this one was hard! This was only the second time I have eaten mindfully at work (in 18 years!). The first time was experimental—with a meditation playing on my phone, I mindfully ate a radish. Normally I work while I eat. I have a lot of reading to do for my job, so I usually read on my computer while I eat. I could not bring myself to eat in the office kitchen, but I did manage to turn off my screen and sit there and just eat. I noticed how the two plants that my coworkers had given me when my dad died were thriving in gorgeous green over by the window.

At home; 8:30PM

16 minutes; 55 seconds

Chicken and Brussel sprouts

This was from Home Chef, a meal kit delivery service. I love these because I don’t have to plan, shop, or figure out portions. All I do is cook, which I enjoy doing. It helps the mindful eating intent as well because it takes about an hour to prepare one of these meals, so you really want to savor it after putting the time into making it. While eating mindlessly and overeating feels like punishment and disrespect to my body, the opposite is also true. Eating good, nourishing food mindfully feels like love and respect to my body.

I also mindlessly munched bites of banana cake, peanuts, and cheese right after work before I started making the Home Chef dinner. I opened a bottle of wine while I was cooking. I drank half a glass, thoughtfully considering how it tasted and felt. It felt…subpar. I stopped drinking it. A not-so-good taste or feel wouldn’t have stopped me before because I wouldn’t have noticed it before. But in this moment, I paid attention and ended up deciding that this wine was not good enough for me. I felt a strange shimmer of self-respect.

My daughter ate this meal with me. We did not watch Bob’s Burgers. We talked.

Tuesday October 15, 2019

7:45AM at home

9 minutes; 35 seconds

Yogurt, berries, nuts, coconut

It’s getting more difficult to eat the last bites—getting kind of boring and I just feel done eating, ready to move on—maybe time for smaller portions?

3:00PM at home, I mindlessly ate a leftover steak sandwich and chips while I was trying to make a photo/video collage for my daughter’s 13^th birthday and listen to a meeting. I was stressed knowing I was being very inefficient making the collage, but I couldn’t stop or let it go. I was also emotional with pride about my new teenager and nostalgia about my baby girl.

8:00PM at a restaurant

Chicken wings, fries, pint of Guinness

My daughter and I watched sports and had good conversation. I even thought to take a selfie of us and post it right away. I’m usually not present enough around meals to think about much of anything. I also did not take home the three chicken wings I couldn't eat.

Wednesday October 16, 2019

9:00AM at work

Apple tart

This meal started out mindfully but then disintegrated into me nibbling while working. I did toss part of the tart because it was not fresh anymore and kind of flavorless.

1:00PM at work

15 minutes; 36 seconds

Salad, avocado

6:00PM at pizza place

I mindlessly at a slice of pizza while I waited for a whole pizza I had ordered for my kids. I looked at Facebook and completely forgot about my mindful experiment. I went to a PTA meeting at which a friend I knew from middle school was speaking. I hadn’t seen him in years, but I knew he was doing profound and meaningful things with his life. Going to hear him speak normally meant being out of my comfort zone, but I felt more curious than uncomfortable.

8:45PM at home

Two slices of pizza and a brownie

I tried not to watch Bob’s Burgers over my daughter’s shoulder, but I couldn’t resist. I was tired and the draw to my deeply embedded place of comfort—eating in front of a screen—was too strong.

Thursday October 17, 2019

8:19AM at home

5 minutes; 43 seconds

Cottage cheese and ketchup; 2 hard boiled eggs

1:15PM at work

12 minutes; 44 seconds

Pasta with homemade bolognese sauce

I brought too much so threw some away before I even started eating.

8:30PM at home

7 minutes; 43 seconds

Peanut butter and jelly sandwich and Ramen noodles

I hadn’t eaten Ramen noodles in years. I thought I liked it. The noodles tasted like nothing, but the broth was good. I threw away most of the noodles and drank the broth. I needed to eat mindfully in order to hear myself not like it.

Friday October 18, 2019

9:15AM at home

9 minutes; 11 seconds

Keto muffin and apple with peanut butter

The keto muffin is made with almond flour, butter, egg whites, and baking soda. It satisfies the bread cravings if you’re doing keto.

12:30PM at home

10 minutes; 24 seconds

Turkey, bacon, cheese, tomato sandwich, chips, and Coke Zero

5:50PM at home

4 minutes; 13 seconds

Chicken

You can’t imagine how much I want to delete this last photo. It looks like a sad bleeding breaded chicken chunk accompanied by two even sadder, smaller chicken chunks. It was a rushed and hasty meal. There were five kids in the house, running around getting ready for my daughter’s birthday party. I didn’t have time to cook or buy a worthy meal. No judgement. But I wonder what would have happened if I had a big glass of hibiscus ginger juice instead. Or cottage cheese and ketchup. I wonder what else is good with cottage cheese. Another week of mindful eating ahead—this one sprinkled with more food experimenting. Who knows what I’ll discover?