Still On the Journey

It was time to be outfitted for the trip to South America. We started at Uncle Dan’s—an outdoor adventure store. Backpacks first to strategically delay dealing with sizes and fit issues. My kids chose backpacks and moved onto the clothing racks, quickly finding clothes to try on. I lingered, considering backpack colors, zipping and unzipping, feigning interest in the many pockets, all the while, eyeing the distant clothing racks with trepidation.

I drifted to the shoes though I did not need new shoes. I flipped through the guidebooks, tried on sunglasses and hats, and wondered if I didn’t need a new water bottle. Ah! Insect repellent—we need that. I read the packages thoroughly. Tick tock. Tick tock. Time to take the plunge and look for clothes.

Rack after rack, I clicked through hangers hoping to spot XXL or even XL. Nice, well-made hiking shorts, button-down army green shirts that would make me look like a park ranger, sporty form-fitting dresses in aqua and mango Hawaiian prints that would pack well, safari jackets that tapered at the waist. What I wouldn’t do to have them all in my size. But small upon small, and medium after medium, only a few larges before I landed on a shapeless XL shorts in navy blue. Ugh. Up creeped the familiar feeling of being left out.

I thought things had changed. I used to feel I was purposely left out of clothes shopping in stores. The message was: “Out here in public, we worship the thin body. We don’t carry big clothes because no one wants a big body. If you have a big body, you should try to make it small, and you should buy these small clothes as an incentive to get to the acceptable small size. Get control of yourself. Why did you let your body go like that? Stop overeating. Don’t be so lazy. You can do it! In the meantime, we have this rack in the back with some clothes made of swaths of heavy, dark material that will cover those jiggly thighs and belly rolls that no one wants to see. Get it together and at least try. Why don’t you love yourself?”

So, it’s back to the underground markets on the Internet. Even there the size 20s and 22s are modeled by size 12 women.

And actually things have begun to change. Over the years lower end stores like Target and Old Navy have added more and more plus sizes—albeit mostly polyester, big stitching with loose threads, clothes that lose their shape after a couple washing. Sometimes it seems American Girl Dolls have better quality clothing options than big people do. But Lane Bryant has upped their style line from navy blue elastic waist pants to a variety of fairly hip items. And other stores that carried large sizes have come and gone—Torrid and Forth & Towne. I even saw these plus size mannequins at Target.

With the body positive movement on the rise, we see more and more ads and magazine covers featuring big women or people with different body types.

Read more about empowering ad campaigns

Read about the controversy of this magazine cover

See more about these ads

Hulu made a series based on Lindy West’s book called Shrill in which Annie (played by Aidy Bryant) is a big woman who wants to change her life but not her body.

See the trailer. Read reactions.

Jes Baker writes and posts against the diet culture and for liberating our bodies. Health At Every Size challenges scientific and cultural assumptions about being big. 

And everyone's favorite lately is Lizzo who sings about loving her thick self with audacious and inspiring pride that made every single person at the 2019 Video Music Awards go crazy for her performance, no matter what type of body they have. In an interview with Trevor Noah, Lizzo says her "mere existence is a form of activism, especially in the body positive community." But it's not just her existence. It's her blazing confidence and how she exudes the message that her body deserves respect, love, and positive attention because historically and currently, big bodies do not get nearly enough of that. 

And I had changed. Because of my body journey, exercise that used to be punishment—a way to lose weight to fit the societal norms—became a pleasure to me. I truly enjoy moving my body now. I used to get scared something was going to break, I would stop breathing, or I’d have a heart attack if I pushed myself. But now I know I can work out until I drip sweat, and I won’t collapse. And my mindset is changing every day. I explore different perspectives in the same way I explore what my body can do. I sleep better. I meditate every day. I write more. I have a new recording in my head that is not hateful and negative. Often, I have no recording. Instead I am in tune to the actual sounds around me.

So why then was this shopping trip triggering the old feelings of being left out? Of having done something wrong?

Tears welled in my eyes. I just wanted to go home.

I looked at the screensaver on my phone.

It is a photo of me at my fitness center after a workout. After class one morning, I took the photo of myself in the mirror and then strategically put it in a place I would see it many times a day. It shows me in the moment I feel best each day—after moving my body and doing affirmations with a group of like-minded women. At that moment, I feel strong, beautiful, cared for, loved. And frankly kind of bad ass.

I turned back into the store and said to the kids, “C’mon, let’s pay and get the hell out of here.” As we drove to the next store, I heard myself saying, “Why is it that these sports and outdoor stores have nothing for big women? We make up 40% of the American population!* Do they really think we don’t climb, hike, bike, swim, paddle board? They’re losing out on a lot of money. I need to open a store for big athletes and big outdoorswomen!”

*This statistic was cited by the National Center for Health Statistics run by the CDC, 2017

So that was one reason I was triggered—I felt I was being excluded from the active world. My body type was not considered capable of these sporty outdoor activities. But man did it feel empowering to say, “Fuck the stores!” instead of shrinking into my tears and going home like it was my fault.

But there was another reason for the trigger. I was harboring feelings of failure because I hadn’t written my body journey blog for four months.

When we got home from shopping, I reread my first body journey post. I was reminded that there would be no judgement on this journey. Therefore, I could not judge myself for not writing. In fact, even though I didn’t post on my blog, my body journey was happening. I was deep into the expedition and summiting an important mountain that had a flag planted on top that read: Body AND Mind Journey.

This has been my big discovery. The body journey is teaching me that feeling better in the body starts with the mind. Once the mind and body start working together, your vicious circle of self-hatred and sabotage becomes a magnificent circle of self-love and evolution.

And the best way to bring mind and body together is to breathe.

Of course, I had been breathing all my life but when things started to fall apart in 2018, I felt I could not breathe properly. I hyperventilated and burped a lot, feeling like I couldn’t get good breath. I felt light-headed and disoriented when walking downtown in crowds. I woke in a panic every night feeling as though I had stopped breathing. All of my stress and anxiety came out in the form of irregular breathing, which led to panic that something was physically wrong with me, which led to more irregular breathing.

But through therapy, using a CPAP for what turned out to be sleep apnea, meditation, yoga, and exercise, I was learning to breathe differently. I was building that connection.

So even though I wasn’t posting on my blog, I was covering vast amounts of new territory on the body (and now mind) journey.

When I had parenting challenges in April, my heart raced, my jaw ached, and my throat constricted. But this time, instead of ignoring it, fearing it, masking it with distractions, I breathed into it. I sat with the uncomfortable sensations.

When my father died in May, I sobbed and held my children tight. I thought about having a drink or maybe twenty. But instead I sat outside and breathed into the moment, letting whatever came come. I listened and smelled the air. I smelled sweaty horses—unusual for Chicago. I thought of a time my dad picked up my son and put him on the back of a horse with two other children. It was a beautiful, sunny day with endless blue Colorado sky all around. All three of them fell off the horse. The other kids screamed and cried, but my son laughed and wanted Grandpa to put him on again.

I went to Colorado and spent time in my dad’s cabin. I slept in his bed, woke early and meditated in his chair, tried on his glasses and shoes, read his books, and even ate what remained of the lactose-free vanilla ice cream that he started—right out of the tub just like him. I accepted the tears, laughter, and ache for what I could never get back in the physical world. But then also felt the peace and safety of him coming from some other world.

So, I didn’t write about these challenges on my blog, but I stuck to my intention and explored this rocky, treacherous terrain with eyes and heart wide open.

Rereading my blog also reminded me that I had hoped to stand upon the Galápagos Islands in August “with my own measure of fit and a focused picture of my body for which I am the frame.” I decided then and there that it didn’t matter if I didn’t have all the clothing options everyone else had. The most important thing I needed to pack was my newfound self-pride. I would go to South America and hike, snorkel, swim, and keep up with the group of 25 fit family members because I too am fit!

photo by Adji Teoudoussia